Recital

So I missed last week posting, sorry. My week went from crazy to out of control! I started off having a few things scheduled for the week but by Sunday night I had free time of about a minute a day!

My two oldest take Polynesian dancing and it was their recital last week, ( okay so I take the mommy class too!) and our recital was last Saturday. I had about eight costumes needing to be sewn, and ten dances that needed to be practiced ( my two especially). We had two dress rehearsals and four desserts waiting to be baked for the luau after. Is a Christmas song coming to mind?..I feel I should end with a partridge in a pear tree.

I LOVE watching my little ones dance, Toshina does not look so little any more, I see her on stage and she is stunning! I'm not the only one who thinks that. And Harrison's smile and energy lights up the room. Their performance communicates so much more than the dance they are reciting. Innocence, Beauty, Hope, and Love!! At the end of the show we mommies do the final number which is a hula. The story is a tribute to our families and the love we carry with us. It was a beautiful dedication to all that was present there.

sunshine in my soul

I think Easter is my favorite holiday. I love the time of year, the decorations, and most importantly the story. I often compare my feeling during Christmas and Easter. I feel reverence and childlike during Christmas. My thought are frequently focused on childhood memories of excitement and awe. But Easter brings ideas of hope and redemption.

I love waking up Easter morning with the sun shining in and the noise of my little ones running around looking for their Easter baskets and goodies. Have you ever noticed the sunshine in the spring, especially Easter, is different than it is any other time of the year. It has a joy and delightful demeanor which it trades for intensity and power in the summer, and then it almost fades entirely in the winter. But springtime sunshine is the cream of the crop. Its warmth is the welcoming call to all creations to rise and start anew. I am always in amazement at how the world works so beautifully with the teachings of our savior and the plan of salvation. As our world creates a new every year so can we, and at the Apex of this rebirth is Easter.

What joy I feel to have the all things testify of my savior and how his plan works. It brings sunshine to my soul.

head in the clouds

My children had Spring break last week so we were able to spend a lot of time together. I am grateful for my hubbies job that allows him to create his own schedule, for the most part, so he can take time off when the kids are out of school. Of course the weather was not cooperating with the whole "spring break" theme. It was cold and snowy, yes snowy! As I watched the forecast at the beginning of the week my heart sank- What in the world was I to do with the kids for an entire week when winter was stubbornly wearing out its welcome?

So after exhausting all my indoor options we gave in and embraced the winter wonderland. We went skiing. We booked a cabin at Brighton ski resort and put in two good full days of skiing, and it was a blast! The conditions we awesome. I was so grateful for this mini vacation I was able to take, it really gave me a perspective I needs to have. Although Brighton is only an hour away from my house I felt I was really out of my world. The majestic snow covered mountains were breathtaking, the powder was unreal, and time spent was priceless.

Even though I spend time with my family on a regular basis I realized I still allow so many other things to distract me. The concerns for dinner or chores or getting somewhere else after seems to occupy too much of my thoughts during the time I am " spending time" with my them. Because we had designated this time as vacation time my mind released all the other everyday things, and when I did that I was able discover so many new things about my kids. I then realized I don't need a trip to the mountains or a physical removal of everyday things to find clarity of mind. I just need to pay attention to the moments that speak discovery and the peace of love and family.

The Red Tent

My parents are going through all of the photos and digitizing them. It has been so funny to look at the out dated outfits and hairdos. I asked my mom several times, "Why did you let me go out like that?" I can't help but think of how cool I thought I dressed. I have three older sisters and I wanted to wear whatever they were wearing. It didn't matter that the clothes were 4 sizes too big and that the hair style was far beyond my ability at the time to pull off. If my sisters were doing it, so was I!

There came a time where we were all able to share clothes and shoes. Even now that we are all grown, and live in different houses, one in a different State, we are still trading clothes and shopping in each others closets.

My sisters, and my mom, have become my closest friends. We are "the girls". I treasure all of our differences and similarities. We have many difference that would normally cause people to grow apart, but surprisingly it has strengthen us in many ways. Our differences have allowed us to learn how to love each other without conditions When we are together it is as if we can conquer any feminine issue the world can throw at us. We are our own "Red Tent" community. I love my "girls"!

My baby girl now knows a great word, "NO"!! She now has to say it before she will do or eat or say anything!! It is her automatic response. I could be offering her ice cream and she would tell me NO as she opens her mouth for the spoonful. I can't help but giggle to myself. Out of all the words we share between us she focuses on the negative one. ( maybe it is the frequency of its use, but I still don't think it is THAT imbalanced.)

We sing, talk, read, and play using many great words of praise and delight, but I don't hear her walking around saying I love you, yay, or so pretty! It is NO! So many times I find myslf doing the same thing. I focus on the negative. I could be having a great day but the most minor bad thing happens and my hour if not my afternoon is ruined. I think I would rather be singing my songs and remembering all my playing and joy in the day and quickly forget the Nos and the can'ts!!

Their shoes

I went to a funeral this weekend for an uncle on my husband's side. It was a beautiful service and was great to see so much family and loved ones. I kept thinking of how it will be when my generation will be the oldest in the family. Will we be able to keep the ties close and lead the coming generation?

I recognize now I have taken for granted the leadership and responsibility my parents and their generation has for the family as a whole. How we gather as a family at their homes and turn to them for guidance.

I know my husband and I are the leaders of our own family but there has always been a higher matriarch or patriarch to take on the family as a complete entity. Not to far off there will nothing "older or wiser" than us. So will I be what my parents, aunts and uncles, and grandparents were to me? Will I be able to fill their shoes as they have?

I ONLY HOPE!

To get dressed or not to get dressed

Okay so here is the thing. I decided before I got married that I would not "let myself go", well not too much. I didn't completely decide this for the sake of my husband, I really felt that I would continually feel better about me if I paid a attention to my appearance daily. I should do my hair, put make up on, and wear something more than sweat pants and sneaks ( even if they are really cute sweats.)

But as my days are presently uneventful and the company I have is my 18 month old, who couldn't care less about how I look as long as I am holding her( a whole other posting) my motivation is dwindling. I feel a little silly vacuuming or cleaning my fridge all dressed up. So many days like today I ask the question to get dressed or not. Most days I find a happy medium. Wear the sweats but put a little make up on. Or get dressed but pull up my hair. I guess you could say this allows me to feel as though my days are worth getting ready for!

Composer

You know the phrase, "everything happens for a reason"? I was thinking about it and I don't know if I'm a buyer. It seems when this expression is most commonly used it is referring to when a bad thing happens, that is out of our control, and people are trying to make sense of it. I would also dare to say they are figuring it out in relation to God and his plan for us. Hold your breath we are going deep:)!!

Do we take this path of thinking so it is easier for us to buy into the idea of God being a loving father and doesn't want us to suffer but orchestrates bad things to happen for our greater good? It may be me, but this seems a bit contradictory to the whole concept of God being all good and loving. As I understand how love should be, and I think I have convincing scriptural evidence, love is strictly excluded from the company of manipulation and coercion. So if God is love, then he would not manipulate our lives even if it is for our own good. I don't think God plays by the rule, the end justifies the means.

So I don't think God is the composer of bad happening in our lives. I and all humanity have our free agency and we create the state of the world in which we live in. Bad things happen because people make bad or unpleasant choices, or things just go wrong and we are affected. So my point is to not confuse the occurrences of the world with the happenings of God because he is able to take a negative and turn it into a positive in our lives. THAT is LOVE. THAT is GOOD.

exponentially

I come from a large family. I am child number eight out of nine. All of us children are grow now with families of our own. Thus giving my parents 31 grand kids and still counting. If each grandchild would have 3 kids that would produce 93 great grand kids. And if each one of those had only 2 kids the GRAND total would be 186. I think you get the picture! In merely three generations 9 has grown to a staggering 310 people. This is only my side of the family, my husband has 7 siblings!! All of a sudden the concept of family and family relationships expands to include as many people as a small village.

This concept of things that start out small( okay 9 is not so small) and metamorphosing into something far grander was so basic and even boring to me until I applied it to something I could relate too . The simple ripple effect put into action. To take this now profound principle a little deeper, the small acts and choices that I make today could be exponentially much greater in consequence down the road, for better or for worse. This being an "ah ha" moment for me I think I will take the time to consider my present behavior and mindset so I will have the proper idea of how I am effecting my future.

skid knee

I am always amazed when I see a toddler take a tumble and get right back up as if they didn't fell down in the first place. They are such champs!! So as a child we naturally pick ourselves up, dust off, and continue to move forward. When in life do we cripple or even lose that ability all together?

Are we truly products of our environment? And if so, is our environment actually that powerful to take such a consequential characteristic away from us. Is a skid knee really that bad to live with therefore, we avoid even the most minor fall in our lives?
Most the time skid knees only hurt for a short while and leaves no permanent evidence of its occurrence. Even on the occasion when we fall and the gravel and dirt are embedded inside so we have to go through the painful process of scrubbing it out, it is will not end up being a fatal wound. It could leave a gnarly scar but even the deepest scars fade with time.

So lets be as little children and not let skid knees stop us from getting up, dusting off and moving forward.

Sick Day

I missed posting Friday, so sorry if anyone is reading these:) I was under the weather. I had to eliminate all unnecessary activities to preserve the energy to perform only the essentials, like feeding my kids, making sure they are out of their PJs by noon, and I have at least brushed my teeth. I really should take this opportunity to apologize to my husband, because literally that is the extent of my personal grooming this weekend!

I could have really used a sick day! Wouldn't it be great if mommies could called in sick. If we could have seven days annually that we could use to stay in bed and get well, and have it not be deducted out of our pay. Oh wait a minute, we don't get paid anyway! Do you think if write to congress we could get something passed. ( I have heard of more bizarre laws and things congress passes and spends money on.)

Well mommies take your vitamins and wash your hands, cause as we already know, we get no sick days and probably won't anytime soon!

Carpet Bag

There is a appellation that has been assigned to me, Mary Poppins. It is not because my transportation is an umbrella or I can make "spoonful of sugar" moments, but it is my purse. I guess I probably can't even categorize it as a purse, it is more like a weekend bag. I am often asked if I have the kitchen sink in there. I always thought I was merely following the ever so prudent scout's motto , "Be prepare".
Having an infant requires a certain amount of bring along stuff that takes a larger bag to carry it, but when I no longer need all the items, excluding a small pouch of diaper and wipes, my bag is still extraordinarily over sized and jam packed with other "necessary items".
If your child or mine skids a knee, I have a first aid kit, or if allergies were to suddenly come on I have a small pharmacy located just inside. Need a pen I got five to choose from. Coupon book? I got it. Hair in a frenzy? Here's a comb, bobby pin, and elastic. I suppose I substituted my childhood security blanket with a security bag!

Rewind

If only I could have a rewind button!! So many times in my life not to mention in a day, I wish I could just stop and rewind back a few minutes. Like the times I go to say good bye or hello to someone and go in for the hug. In my defense it is out of habit that I hug when I greet but still there are those people I don"t know well enough to hug but end up hugging anyway. It is so awkward!!! Or when I am getting off the phone with a customer service or front desk personal and tell them "I love you". Then there is that pregnant silence on the other line. So I just end with Uhhh.... click.

But then there are the times that really matter and I say or act a way that I don't really want too. I need a buffer minute, a wrinkle in time that allows me to recognize what I am doing and take it back before it has entered space and effected someone. Because many times I end up continuing down the path of regretful behavior until it is too late to brush it off.

When it absolutely comes down to it. It is the relationship and the other person that matter far greater than my initial reaction. So, if I can some how install a regret preventor device I could by pass these entirely painful experiences. I will put out a want ad!!

indoor gardening

I don't know about yours, but my kitchen floor seems to grow crumbs simultaneously. I could be sweeping my floor and by the time I get to where I started there are new sprouts of crumbs. I don't think it is my inablility to sweep throughly, I really think my floors produce its own morsels of crackers, cereal, and who knows what else.
I need a remedy. Do you think I could find it in the Lawn and Garden section of my grocery store?

Rainy Days

I don't know what is it about rainy days that makes me so nostalgic. I love the fresh scent of earth and the gray hue that becomes the backdrop to every scene. My mind seems to transcend into a time far before I was born. A time where Jane Austen characters were the everyday crowd and we all spoke in poetry.

I want to find a window sill and curl up with a book or write a letter. ( As if anyone even writes letters anymore). I find my mood throughout the day is comfortable and content. I wonder how the rain's magic is able to work on me as it does the earth. I like to think that a rainy day is a chance to douse my pages of worry till they get a little soggy, and easy to mold into a ball that is able to roll away and leave me knowing I have other things to admire and remember. And as the rain disperses and the sun returns the ball will dry and what was written on those pages will be illegible.

Redemption

Is every life redeemable? I know theologically all sins are paid for by our savior, but the more I think about those people that harm children and destroy so many lives I can't comprehend a punishment that fits the crime. I am almost sure this is a lack of understanding on my part. Perhaps if I were to know all things I would have complete peace in my heart knowing the price someone pays for committing such horrific acts is very suitable.
"Redeem" is an interesting word, It means to recover ownership or to save from a sinful state and its consequences. So in my mind not only am I referring to the perpetrator but those that are victimized.
During tragedies in our lives, big or small, are we able to recover ownership of our lives? I fear more often then not the victim suffers most from the inability to do this.
I know this is a somber subject so sorry for the downer, but at least it gives us something to chew on.

Run Forest

As I get my running clothes on first thing in the morning ( just to make sure I actually going running) I always go through the same series of thoughts...I'm too tired to do this, I have to ask my mom to watch baby AGAIN, and last but not least I am not seeing the results I want with my body so why bother.
But somehow I always end up pushing back my mental blocks and stepping out onto the roadway and begin to run, I don't run anywhere particularly beautiful or stunning. It is mostly along a fairly busy road with big shoulders or a large sidewalk. So, I have wondered many times why? Why do I still do it?
I don't know why many times, but if during those times I were to really think about it I would remember the moments of silence. I have my earbuds in just case I need a boost of energy, but when the music is not playing the earbuds block out the sounds of the world and only leaves the consistent rhythm of me breathing. It becomes surreal as the world moves around you yet you are only in tune with the most simple function we perform, breathing.
It may sound bizarre but it always brings me back to the basics of my life. And lets admit it, sometimes in life we just need to breathe.

Eyesore

As my day is winding down and my kiddies are still whispering in their darkened rooms, hoping I will not hear them, I just finished doing my last sweep through my house to pick up any left out homework pages, articles of clothing, and cleaning up for the final time today. (phew!)

The collection of baby toys seems to continually grow into a larger and larger pile in my very decorated living room. The room in which I am constantly trying to maintain and update so when anyone comes over they are able to recognize my style and personality. But more often then not the pile of baby toys takes center stage. It is not that my decorating is anything to write home about, but it is just ironic. The mound of tattered toys, which I have to unceasingly move from all over the living room floor, stairs, kitchen, and my bedroom back to their designated spot beside the fireplace is the focal point. It is a love-hate relationship, if I were to move them from the living room to another part of the house the baby would never play with them and they would be unused.

In spite of all this I love my hugely obnoxious eyesore pile of baby toys. I know one day there will be no need for toys in my living room and I will long for the days when I stub my toe on legos and pull-along toys. This day will come far sooner than I want it. So here's to bruised toes, sore backs, and the horrible eyesore.

Break up

Doesn't it seem like days will fly and you look back and think about what you have done through out that 24 hour period and wonder if you actually accomplished anything? I am embarrassed to say too many days like this have come and gone so they are without number.
My mind not only goes to the never ending kid and home list,(Which I never seem to finish) but it goes beyond that. It wanders to my far reaching aspirations. Now, I am not blaming my undone dream list on my children or any other wonderful distraction in my life, but it can be directly connected to my lack of ambition.
Funny thing huh? These dreams are what I have wanted for a long time, but I, and only I, hold myself back. I think it is a fear of failure, lack of ability, and of course the oh so familiar companion of self doubt........ I am ready to bid farewell to these unwanted counterparts. I acknowledge this will be a long drawn out break up. There will be times when I will go crawling back to our dysfunctional relationship just so I can be on familiar ground. But with each fall back I will grow stronger and hopefully not stay for long, till eventually they will be merely "EX"s.

Here I Am

I never really knew what people did with blogs or why I would want one. I figured blogging was reserved for the clever or interesting. Since I consider myself neither I resisted the blog phenomenon.
So what changed you ask? I am still not clever or interesting but I just finished reading a book, " A Thousand Splendid Suns" by Khaled Hossein. One of the main characters was a woman who felt her life was mundane and of little meaning to anyone, ( and sorry to say even to herself) but when the story was said and done she lived a life that meant something to someone.
Now I am not implying that my life is full of grand events or meaningful to anyone else, but I think everyone has a story worth telling.
Our stories may not be anymore than everyday activities, but everyone has them. And what better way to connect with others then to know we are not alone and we all have something to share. SO, here I am!!